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Sardarji

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The sardarni asks her lover, "santa dear, if we get engaged, will you give me a ring?".

"Sure", replies santa. "What's your phone number."


Santa Singh spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No, you idiot!" Santa shouted. "This is her husband!"


Sardarji - With all due respect

Letter from Sardarji leading Y2k Project

Dear Sir,

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through everyline of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December.
As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak,Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "Y to K" problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.

And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.


Very Sincerely,
Santa Singh,
Y-to-K Project leader.


Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall.
It read "Padne waala gadha."(one who reads it is an ass.)
Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back,"Likhne waala gadha."(One who wrote it is an ass).


Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes."What is the matter today? asked her husband. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone."
"I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh.


Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence.
"They should nto put up such misleading notices,"said Banta Singh." It said , FINE FOR PARKING HERE."


A haryanavi peasant came to the office of The Hindustan Times to place an advertisement announcing his father's death. "The rate is Rs. 360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him.
"Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the haryanavi. "My father was 182 cms tall."


Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach :
Sardarji 1 :Praaji , Ise 'beach' kyo kaheete hai ?

Sardarji 2 : Tumhe nahe pata ?

Sardarji 1 : Nahe pata.

Sardarji 2 : Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai .


Rajsi complained to his friend about his wife ' My wife never agrees with anything I
say. And we have been married for six years .'
Mrs Rajsi intervened, ' Not six we have been married for seven years ! '


A Sardarji, very proud of his humour used to say to his wife leaving for the office : 'Good bye Char Bacchon ki Maa' . One day his wife fed up of this answered : ' Bye Bye, Doo Bacchon Ke Baap'.
That ended the husband's witticisms.


Teacher : If we breath oxygen in the daytime, what do we breath at night?
Pupil :Nitrogen?


Mrs Kartar had bought a beautiful sweater for her husband . She sent it to her husband by parcel post along with a note. The note said : ' The buttons of the sweater are removed since they where too heavy and added to the postage . You will find them in the right hand pocket of the sweater .


Avtar & Kartar used to stay in same building . Avtar on the Ground floor & Kartar on the 25thfloor. One day when the lift was not working , Kartar invited Avtar for a Dinner. Avtar trudged up to 25thfloor to find Kartar's flat closed from outside and had a note which read : ' How did you enjoy your dinner ? '
Not to be outdone , Avtar wrote under it , ' Sorry , I could not make it . '


Ajeet

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Scene: Ajeet spots one of his enemies...

Ajeet: Maikal, woh jo admi ghadi pahne tumhe nazar aarahaa hai, woh hamara mehman hai. Tum ja kar uske doosre hath mein bhee gadhi pahna do...phir woh do ghadi ka mehman ho jayega !


Category: Ajit, Robert, Mona & Sona

mickey mouse(to ajit)-boss mein ramayan seekhna chatha hoon, mujhe sikha do na...?
Ajit(to robert)-robert jaao ise deewar pe taang do

robert-per kyon boss?
ajit- deewar pe taangne se is ka naam WALLMICKEY ho jaeyga aur woh khud he ramayan seekh jayaga.

Raaaaaaaabert, Harshad Mehta ko stool test karao.
Pata to chale akhir ye BullShit kya hota hai.


Scene: Ajeet is escaping with his men in a helicopter...

Ajeet: Kuch hee der mein hamara helicopter hindustan ki sarhadon ke pare door birmingham mein hoga. Wahaan tumhe ek kaale rang ki sioorlett (cheverlett) nazar aayegi. Wo tumhe signal degee...on..off..on..off

Raabert : Boss..hamara signal kya hoga ?
Ajeet : bewkoof...off..on..off..on...


Raaaaaaaabert, Harshad Mehta ko stool test karao.

Pata to chale akhir ye BullShit kya hota hai.


Political

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Chelsea

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and announced, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside, "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife, but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I ahve fooled around with other women at lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."

Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this."

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother and tell her. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married", she complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not real your father."

Once Monica L. went to heven. She saw clocks hanging around everywhere, She asked ST.Peter about it.

He said that every clock represents a person on earth and every bad thing he does makes the clock move a second. She asked where is BILL CLINTON'S.ST Peter said SORRY, YOU CAN'T SEE IT. JEASUS IN HIS ROOM IS USING IT AS A FAN!!!!


Saddam Hussain


Saddam Hussain approached God and asked him, "When will peace return to my country?"

God answered, "You can never see peace in your country during your lifetime."
Saddam wept bitterly and walked away.

Nawaz Sharif approached God and asked,"When can I see a united Pakistan with Kashmir?"

God said,"You can never annex Kashmir during your life time." Sharif wept and walked away.

Laloo Prasad approached God and asked, "When will Bihar become a civilised state?"

God wept bitterly and said,"I can never see that happening during my life time."


A little American History


A little American History

This is true, apart from the end which is purely speculation.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain 7 letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln
Both were assassinated by southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners
Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson who succeeded Kennedy was born in 1908
John Wilkes Booth who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939
Both assassins were known by their 3 names
Both names are comprised of 15 letters

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named "Kennedy"
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln"

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught at a warehouse Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials And here's the kicker.........................

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe...


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OldJokes

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but all three engineers cramed into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants cramed into a restroom and the three engineers cramed into another nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."


A computer programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on an airplane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep, so he politely declines, turns away, and tries to sleep. The programmer persists, saying that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5; and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $50!" That gets the engineer's attention, so he agrees to play the game. The programmer asks the first questions. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, and just hands the programmer $5. Now it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled expression, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references, and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands the engineer $50. The engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep. The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well, what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the programmer, turns away, and returns to sleep.


Did you hear about Microsoft's new hard drive? It has five millisecond access, fits in a PC-Card slot, and has UNLIMITED space.Unfortunately, they haven't finished formatting it yet.


How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?None, its a hardware problem!


Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. Oye, I am only following the instructions - 'Answer in brief'.


Once, in a village in Kerala, there lived two identical brothers. They looked very much alike in every respect and the villagers often had trouble distinguishing between them. Unfortunately, one of them died. Sankaran Kutti, our hero, decided to visit the grief-stricken family and console them. Now, there was a problem. Sankaran was not sure which of the brothers had died. Our ever-resourceful hero solved the problem ingeniously. He walked upto the surviving sibling and asked amidst tears -"Is it you who is dead or is it your Brother ?"


In order to develop friendly relationship between the two countries, I.K.Gujral and Nawaz Sharif decided to visit each other's country regularly. The first visit was by Gujral to Pakistan. There Sharif showed him Pakistan's modern telecommunication systems. It was so good that Gujral made a call to Rajiv Gandhi in hell and talked to him for 5 minutes ! The bill for the call came to only Re.1.When Gujral came back, he also wanted India's telecommunication systems to be at the best when Nawaz Sharif visited India. Suitable arrangements were made. Sharif came to India, visited the telecom department and talked to Zia-ul-Haq in hell for 5 minutes. But this time, the bill was Rs. 500! .Sharif asked with a sarcastic smile - "Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in India ?"A High level diplomat gave a smiling reply - "From Pakistan to hell, it is a local call, Sir, while from India it is long distance!".


A Punjabi Sardar and a Bengali Babu were talking about their State's patriotic history during the freedom struggle. The debate heated up and both ended up claiming that their state had the maximum number of freedom fighters. They finally agreed on a method to find which of the states had more freedom fighters. Each person would say the name of a freedom fighter from his state and pull one hair out of his opponents head. Both of them began earnestly. "Bhagat Singh" said the Sardar and pulled one hair from the Bengali. "Netaji" said the Bengali and did the same. They continued like this for some time, but soon exhausted all known freedom fighters. The Bengali, however, was very clever. He used Sardar's ignorance and reeled off a lot of imaginary names.The Punjabi was stuck. He did not know any more Punjabi freedom fighter's name. He thought deeply for a moment, jumped on the Bengali's head and pulled all his hair out shouting - "JallianWala Bagh".


Three police squads , The Scotland Yard police , The NY Police and the Punjab Sardar brigade contest for the best police force ward . The judges lead them to the Gir forest of India and assign them the mission . He who captures an adult LIon and brings it back alive in the fastest time will be adjudged the best .First Scotland yard goes into the forest and comes back in halfan hour with a Lion all tied up .Then the NY police go in and come back in 15 minutes with a tied up lion .Lastly the sardar brigade goes in . 15 minutes , half an hour , one hour goes and no sign of our saradrjis .The judges give up and decide to search for them . They go into the forest . After some searching ,they find the sardarjis all excitedly yelling near a tree . The sardarjis have tied up a big bear to a tree and one of them is shouting , "Bol tu sher Hai ! Saala Bol ! tu Sher Hai !! " (Admit that you are a lion! You @#$%@! You are a lion).


A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Rajasthan,but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai" (Idiot! He's taking the phone and saying he's not there.)

Once, a Hindu, a Sardar and an American were travelling in an aeroplane. Suddenly, something went wrong and the engines stalled. They had no parachutes with them. So all the three of them decided to risk their lives and jump out of their planes. First, the Sardar jumped out. He removed his turban, used it as a parachute and jumped. Using the turban he slowly floated down. Then the Hindu removed his dhoti and jumped out. Again his dhoti acted as a parachute and he also floated down gently. Seeing this, the American removed his shirt and pant and jumped out.Unfortunately, they did not do well as a parachute and he began to fall rapidly from the plane to the ground. He passed by the Hindu who said - " May Bhagwan help you". Then he passed the Sardar. The Sardar looked at the American zooming past him and was puzzled. So he said - "I see! You want a race! Let us see who is faster" Saying so, he let go of his turban.


Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees , the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. On reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"


Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer space. The ground control issues command "Rubi ! "Woof" ( its the barking sound ) "Pres the red button." "Wof! Woof!" "Mti !" "oof!" Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!" "Sardarji!" "Woof." "Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"


Two Sardarjis are on a railway station. "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?" asks the first. "No," answers the Railroad man "Can I?" asks the second Sardarji


Two sardarjis walked toward each other on a country road. One carried a burlap bag over his shoulder. "Hey Bhai," first sardarji drawled, "what's in the bag?" Chickens," was the reply. "If I guess how many, can I have one?" "You can have both of them." "OK," first sardarji said. "Five."


Banta Singh was shifting his residence. He was packing his belongings. By midnight he was too tired and dozed off with the house door open. A sound woke him up. A thief was packing valuables. Banta Singh found it very amusing; the thief was doing the job for him! "When this smart guy finishes packing, I will catch him". Banta was a hefty guy; so when the burglar finished packing, Banta Singh jumped on him and tied him up. Then he went to the police station and reported the matter. "What did you do to the thief"? "I tied his hands; you come and collect him". "I hope you tied his legs too". Banta Singh felt a cold feeling in his spine; he had forgotten about the legs. He sat down for a while. Then he cheered up and said, "Inspector Sab, the thief, he will still be there". "How do you know"? "Well, that fellow is also a Sardarji"


There are a large group of surd people in a bar and they are having a celebration. Another man walks into the bar and sees the celebration and asks why all the surd people are celebrating. One of the surds says: "We had just solved a 100 piece jigsaw puzzle within six hours." The man says: "I am sorry.I do not see what the big deal is. The surd replies: "On the box it says 'from 3 to 5 years'."


An surd and a friend are sitting in a cinema. Just before the break they see a cactus and in some distance a cowboy. During the break the friend says to the surd: "I bet the cowboy will ride into the cactus." The surd answers:"I do not believe that." They agree that the looser invites the winner to a bottle of wine after the film. It turns out that the friend wins. So after the film they drink together the bottle of wine in a restaurant near the cinema. Then the friend says: "I must confess that the bet was not fair. I saw the film for the second time." The surd replies: "And I saw it for the fourth time, but I did not think that this fool rides into the cactus again."


A surd goes to a barber shop wearing walkman headphones. He tells the hairdresser: "Dress my hair please, but do not remove the headphones." The hairdresser does his job but needs to get under the headphones to finish his work. He removes the headphones thinking that the surd will never even notice The surd falls to the floor, chokes, turns blue and dies. The hairdresser picks up the headphones to see what he was listening to and hears: "Breath In, Breath Out, Breath In, Breath Out"


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